Why is This So Hard?
by Lexanye
Summary: OC!PortugalXSpain OC!AndorraXPrussia Warnings inside. Dark themes. Portugal and Andorra are the main POV's Portugal's life is out of control, trying to keep her 'baby' Andorra, Felicita, safe from the hardships of the outside world. Prussia wants Andorra as his girlfriend. Spain wants Portugal to let him into her world. Romania just wants them to suffer at the hands of his magic


**Yo. I'm back for another Hetalia one-shot. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia… I wish I did though. That'd be fucking epic.**

**Probably one of the first RP's I ever did. I may have to remember some of it, but it was a really good RP.**

**WARNINGS! Self harm, past abuse, alcoholism, lemons, possible future suicidal character(s), drugs, miscarriage, partial insanity, bipolar Portugal, magic usage that causes insanity/cat ears/bunny ears. Possibly more later…**

**Disclaimer: I do not own!**

**Portugal-**

I drain the bottle of rum, toss it in the floor and sit up from the bed, "Aria! Spain is here!" Andorra yells from downstairs.

Groaning, I sit up and grab the half full bottle on the nightstand before going down stairs in my fuzzy camo pants and black skin tight long sleeve shirt. Spain is laughing with Prussia while Andorra is red faced.

The black boot sitting next to me just happens to get thrown across the room right into the back of Prussia's head, "Don't corrupt my baby dammit!" I yell, popping the cap and taking a swig.

"Kesesesese~ You're drinking already? You're gonna end up worse than Russia!" He laughs, Gilbird tweets on his head before flying onto Andorra's head.

"Fuck off!" I sneer at him before adverting my gaze to Spain, "What the hell do you want?"

"Aww! Bonita, you're gonna act like that after what happened yesterday?" He whines, walking over to me, no, more like practically throwing himself at me.

"Ah screw off!" I growl, walking over to the chair at the dining room table and take another swig from the bottle.

Felicita walks over and gives me a worried look, "You're gonna get sick Aria, you shouldn't drink that much without eating…" She sits down in front of me, her light brown hair pulled up into twin tails on either side of her head with adorable bows.

"When was the last time you ate Aria?" Spain asks, his demeanor changing.

"None of your fucking business!" I snap, I look at my baby, "Don't worry about me, okay? I'm fine!" I laugh a bit, but I have to force it.

She just nods and I see the sadness in her eyes. I reach over and flick her on the forehead, "Ouchie!" She shrieks, standing up so fast her chair falls over.

"Don't be such a worry wart," I smile.

Tear line her light green eyes, "That hurt!" She whines, a hand over her forehead.

Spain sits next to the chair Andorra knocked over, "Can you please tell me the last time you ate Aria?" I sigh and shrug.

"Maybe a couple weeks," I just shrug it off and down the last one-third of the bottle, "I need to go out."

Getting up, I walk up the stairs and I realize Spain is following me, "Antonio, sex is different than a relationship. We have sex, not a relationship," I mutter. His eyes look so hurt, the hurt also shows on his face.

"Aria…" I look back up the stairs and quickly run back up to my room. Shutting and locking the door before anyone can follow me inside, especially Antonio. He can't see my body in the light, that's why I never go to the beach with them.

They'd probably think I'm ugly if they saw what I've done. I pull off my clothes and walk over to my mattress. I pull it up a bit and grab the small razor I keep hidden from the maid powers that Andorra seems to have acquired while working on Spain's ship when she was little.

I slip onto the hardwood floor and place the cool metal to my thigh. I take a deep breath in and as I pull the blade across the pale, scarred skin, I release it.

Stars seem to cloud my mind as my eyes shut. I'm in such a euphoric state; I don't ever want to come down. So, I make more cuts. I don't realize how far I've gone. Darkness starts to dot my vision. The loud banging at my door makes me force myself to stand up, shove the blade back under my mattress, and I grab the black pants on the floor.

"I'm coming!" I yell, pulling a dark green shirt on over my long sleeve shirt, I unlock the door and Andorra is standing there with tears running down her face.

"What did you do?" She cries, wrapping her tiny arms around my waist, "Your people are just dying sissy! That's not normal!" Spain is standing next to her, his eyes shaped into uncharacteristic slits. He's analyzing me, just like he did when he was a pirate.

A shiver goes through my spine at the thought of how rough he was when he was a pirate. I craved his touch so much. I loved how his fingers would leave those painful, red and bleeding marks down my skin.

"You're worrying us more, just so you know." He looks down at his once maid and I hold her close to me.

I hope they never see me at my weakest state. I would die if they did. I can never let Andorra see me like that. With the blood running down my body, the drugs I sometimes let have control of my body, the alcohol that makes me want the metal blade more.

How my face contorts in a sick pleasure when I feel the metal cut me and have the blood run down my skin. I feel myself collapse with absolute pleasure at the thought of the blood that's underneath my skin that is just waiting to be released.

"Aria!' Andorra yells, falling to her knees next to me.

Spain kneels down, and with the look I give him, I just know he has an idea of what I'm doing to myself. He knows how much I love pain, what I'll do to have it. I'm such an insane freak.

I just hope Andorra never finds out. She's my baby and I will do anything to keep her safe.

No one will ever put their hands on her without going through me first.

**How'd ya like it? Probably a bit odd right now huh? Don't worry, I will try and clear up the confusion with time. **

**Bye for now.**


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